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Revolutions – This Isn’t a Poem, but I Don’t Write Fucking Essays

Here today, things started to change dramatically.
Do you know, when I just said that, I knew it was false,
but it’s hope, so fuck ’em. So for a few minutes, I thought,
I might be a writer. To me, that meant I might be a decent

human being. I have this blind sense that humans need to
have a central purpose, a reason for going on despite all
the facts that seem to recommend action to the contrary, but
it is blind because I don’t know other humans well enough

to know that they need a purpose. In fact, often, I wonder
how these integrated, bloated masses of people get along
without purpose because they simply trudge through, yes,
contented, but vacuous, contented with eating three meals,

with chips and snacks and pops, and weekend trips to the
lake ( THE fucking lake), and working on these schedules
that are preposterous, barely having time to hug the dog,
rarely awaking without an alarm designed to send humans

into blind destitute, where they don’t know how empty all of the
facades are, and I sit here, wanting to spit on my new pants,
wanting to throw the cafeteria tray across the room, blowing
out the perfectly-clean window which teases me with a Zen

garden that is never used for true purpose, not for lack of need,
but because the minds are entrapped in this buzzing hum
of doing what responsible adults and other gurus have told us
we are meant to do, despite our god-given sense that we waste

this gift of life every day, each day with these millions of
moments that spin down clockwise through snake-cleaned
drains made of the detritus of all of the gold we mined in the
good days when living in a tent and eating smoked rabbit

was a good thing. Here I am praying for a revolution that will
turn me into a writer and allow me to live out my days,
comfortable in some sense of purpose, praying that there
are people who might read and might be changed in the

slightest, because if I can touch a few people with writing and
eat a bit of rabbit, what would be wrong with me, but I’m scared
in the end, remembering those nightmares of walking out of
my tent and hanging myself with heavy rope on the sturdy,

horizontal limb of the old oak tree, ending what seems to be a
useless quest, a useless longing to rid myself of this vast,
empty purposelessness. And here I am wondering what kind
of stupid fuck would write about writing, and I stop. I’m due

back in my cubicle.

.

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  1. #1 by blueangelwolf on March 18, 2013 - 2:57 pm

    “”I sit here, wanting to spit on my new pants,
    wanting to throw the cafeteria tray across the room, blowing
    out the perfectly-clean window which teases me with a Zen…”” I Know the Feeling.

    • #2 by Carl on March 18, 2013 - 10:33 pm

      I am grateful not to be alone in that. Thank you so much for your comment.

  2. #3 by Carl D'Agostino on March 18, 2013 - 4:30 pm

    Many people have no purpose except as examples of people with no purpose. They are not even aware that they should have some purpose. Then there are those of us that care to have some purpose, We have to manufacture one. Some very simple things are “purposeful”. For example being a good parent, co-worker or friend. Living a life wherein one is not the source of anyone’s misfortune and never passing up an opportunity to perform a charitable act. That alone serves a very profound purpose.

    • #4 by Carl on March 18, 2013 - 10:35 pm

      Carl, you are a wise man with a good sense of how the world works. You have the power to diminish my despair.

  3. #6 by brian miller on March 18, 2013 - 10:51 pm

    hey thanks for the hit tonight on jennifers writing…she is pretty amazing…
    ha. your own write…maybe we should call it a poessay…but it bears truth as well…i wonder how many truly think of a purpose in life..or really even what motivates them to get out of bed in the morning…and if they gave the pat answers when asked would it be because it was expected? or are they really intentional about their life….carl is wise, i enjoyed his comment as well…guess you both gave me reason to think right before bed…smiles.

    • #7 by Carl on April 3, 2013 - 2:40 pm

      Brian, I apologize to you and others for my delay in responding, but I really appreciate your comment. Thank you.

  4. #8 by wordsweneversaid on March 19, 2013 - 11:09 am

    You look and feel like a true writer to me Carl.

    I am actually hoping I can talk you into joining me here http://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/2013-april-pad-challenge-guidelineshttp://youtu.be/y78Q6eTrOIY if that would be something you could maybe want to take on.

    Think about it?

    *hug*

    Be well,
    L.

    • #9 by Carl on April 3, 2013 - 2:42 pm

      Thank you for your comment. Are you doing PAD? Can one start on April 4 and do make-ups without getting thrown out? I’m trying to escape from a dungeon right now.

  5. #10 by clinock on March 22, 2013 - 1:33 am

    You are not alone in your existential predicament Carl – it’s an old romance and you join Sartre and Hesse in their wondering why. You ARE a writer, a brilliant one, and you touch many with your questions and struggles – time for you to believe this. You may have other purposes in your life – but this one is fulfilled…

    • #11 by Carl on April 3, 2013 - 2:45 pm

      Your kindness is heart-warming. I am so glad not to be all the way alone.

      • #12 by clinock on April 4, 2013 - 2:44 am

        Alone you are not my friend – we are legion…

    • #13 by wordsweneversaid on April 3, 2013 - 11:29 pm

      I am doing the PAD challenge – I am also behind but will just press on (I was a few weeks behind last year as well – April is not my best month for these things) As far as I know you don’t get kicked out – just encouraged to keep trying – they are a nice bunch of folks so far as I can tell. Should I bake you a cake with a file in it? (I’m trying to help you get out of that dungeon)

  6. #14 by claudia on March 24, 2013 - 8:47 am

    we all need something that makes it worth living for.. i remember mornings as a teen when i thought it’s not worth getting out of the bed in the morning.. you touch some existential questions… and sometimes i wonder as well if i’m wasting my time with 3rd row stuff…ugh…

    • #15 by Carl on April 3, 2013 - 2:46 pm

      Thank you Claudia, for your visit and your comment. I’m lucky for it.

  7. #16 by joanna on April 3, 2013 - 8:35 am

    you smell and feel like a real writer to me, Carl. but i also agree with what the other Carl said about finding purposefulness in small things. lots of wisdom sprinkled around these parts. πŸ™‚

    • #17 by Carl on April 3, 2013 - 2:47 pm

      Thank you for your comment, Joanna. I appreciate your visit.

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