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Archive for April 12th, 2012

The Hurtful Empty at Dessert Today

Delicious brownie thing with chocolate mousse
and the richest damn frosting, sticking gallantly,
and smoothly lunging in, I feel that joyous murmur
welling up, not gurgling, saying, “mmm, soooo good.”

I’m in Hell.
Sitting in a room full of people,
alone and by myself,
hoping I did not praise the dessert aloud,
and I think I wish that people would think of me
like a chocolate dessert, like I think of this dessert
because that is how I think of many people,
especially when my depression isn’t choking
all of my spirit, but I am alone because not one
of hundreds would choose to be around me,
making me even more tortuous than I normally would be.

God, please make me a sweet dessert, and let people
see through all of the detritus of a ruined soul
with a broken spirit who sits alone thinking
he surely doesn’t deserve another desert.

And I go somewhere where the others don’t go
so that it won’t look like I am an intolerable
human being, but my self-hate is rich.
If one could get through, there is marvelous joy,
but I sit here and cry at my horrible odds.

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Not in my City

Man in suit,
walking cautiously,
looking back,
hearing a lady
on the same rooftop
parking garage,
as she meanders,
lost, and I stare
down from my room
on this 9th floor.

Everything so accidental,
and later, I’m on ground,
and there are people
who appear ready
to kill me easily,
and there are others
who don’t look
threatening, but I,
I am the only one
in fear, paralyzing
fear and a shrunken
ego that reaches
to be hung in a place
undiscoverable.

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Prescient, Hollow Feeling Before a Visitor

The ice cream man
scooped out my soul
at 10:40 p.m.

At 10:10 p.m.,
I knew he was on the floor,
but I didn’t do anything.

I sat and read a beautiful book,
and my soul was gone
before the ice cream man arrived.

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