Cold metal,
round spot grips,
my work stairs.
Remember the smell
of your most stale,
your most flat beer ever?
That is I, flat beer.
January 19th, and
New Year’s goals,
flatlining, one to not hate
on myself so much,
but how not to hate
when failure
is so loud,
so early in the game,
before a penalty
can even be called.
At least I’m writing,
again.
The most shitty kind,
but I’m writing.
And I’m working so hard,
I forget how to write,
but I’m so good
at being worthless,
tallyho.
stillfugue 
#1 by sixthsymph on January 19, 2012 - 10:43 pm
It’s great to read a new post from you after such a long time! Like you, I know how completely deafening, numbing failure can be sometimes. But the numbness will pass. Everything does… Please, keep writing!
#2 by heikewrites on January 20, 2012 - 2:08 am
but hate from your mouth sounds so beautiful! not shitty at all, just beautiful and sad sometimes, like looking at a meadow in a wasteland. i can feel the raw conflict and always want to reach out and hold against it, tell you that you’re good; your mind is sublime! a gift
#3 by Carl D'Agostino on January 20, 2012 - 6:40 am
This self loathing and despair. Brings me to Van Gogh’s sense of worthlessness over his lousy paintings. Say what? He never knew his own genius. Lighten up.
#4 by heikewrites on January 20, 2012 - 1:58 pm
despair may be part of the passage, and important? i don’t know Carl, I can only speak for myself, but my own depression is an illness i would not choose if a choice was granted. lightening up is for people with matches 🙂
#5 by Indigo Spider on January 21, 2012 - 2:37 pm
Too bad there isn’t a magic mirror to show the truth, to get passed the self-loathing, depression and hate, so you could see your own talent. I know many say it but, having suffered so deeply with depression for years, it doesn’t get passed the voices in your mind and their constant chanting ‘you are shitty’. I hope someday you will see what we all see but until then, I will always enjoy your brilliant writing.
#6 by Seabell on January 22, 2012 - 4:43 am
🙂
#7 by Robin Hawke on January 24, 2012 - 1:27 pm
You nailed the feeling. I hope you don’t measure your self by an other’s success. That comparison always flattens and is inside out, Robin