The building was not so overwhelming, maybe 25 stories, but it was all gold glass, and as I sat on the rock wall in the shade of the monstrous black glass building, perhaps 65 stories, the reflected sunlight from the bronzish goldish windows on the statuary guard to the north started to warm my brain. It’s unusual not being able to look North because of the bright. All of the action was North, but I bowed my head and thought about big decisions, the decisions you make when you are sure they will change your life. When my brain warms, I want to make big decisions.
During the last several years, the only big decisions I made were about how to kill myself. However, I am alive, so more precisely, the decisions were about whether or not I wanted to suffer and try to pray my way through or if I simply wanted it all to end. In the older days, a third option was to get smashed, which usually nullified the first two options within an hour or so, but I’ve exceeded my usage of that option, and death is much preferable to slow, miserable, alcoholic death.
Today, I didn’t feel like making decisions, and that brought about a pleasing feeling as I watched some very beautiful people traverse the sidewalks and I wondered if I’d consumed too much starch for lunch.
It tickles me to think about how praying my way through has occurred so many times that I almost believe that any bad thing will always pass. Perhaps not odd to you, but when I am in severe despair, I am always convinced that it will never end unless I end my life, but now, there is a different part of me which tells the other that he’s lying, that it will pass. It intrigues me that everything passes, and that knowledge seems to persuade me that I should never be joyful because the bombastic fear that the joy will end overshadows the joy itself, just like the gold windows shag my northern view of all of the action and all of the other beautiful people.
#1 by pattisj on October 3, 2011 - 9:25 pm
You “wondered if you’d had too much starch for lunch.” That made me smile. I’m glad about the part of you that stepped up and told the other part it was lying. Joy is endless, have no fear.
#2 by Carl on October 5, 2011 - 10:03 pm
Thank you, Patti. Your words are very encouraging!
#3 by Carl D'Agostino on October 3, 2011 - 10:09 pm
It passes. We have to learn not to let the interim deplete us.
#4 by Carl on October 5, 2011 - 10:03 pm
Yes, the interim is maybe like purgatory of sorts.
#5 by Hudson Howl on October 3, 2011 - 10:47 pm
Good ‘sthufffs’….the hook for me was ‘When my brain warms, I want to make big decisions.’
Learning to pause long enough to allow the brain to warm up to other thoughts which are not so negative is a far better state than a cool or cold brain. It is as much a survival technique as ‘drop and roll’. For myself, I think a warm brain allows me to see and accept the good that just happens by chance. With a cold brain it never happens and goes unnoticed. I don’t think a cold brain could have wrote what you just did. Could it?
#6 by Carl on October 5, 2011 - 10:04 pm
Ah, wonderful comment – Very perceptive. Once the cold brain starts to write, it immediately warms.
#7 by Kay Camden on October 4, 2011 - 9:34 am
I know it’s been said a million times, but if it was all good, nothing would be good. Because it would all be the same.
Is your depression tied to blood sugar? Did the nastiness lift after your starch was absorbed? This happens to someone I know – mood highly dependent on blood sugar although not diabetic. This person is also prone to drinking alcohol.
#8 by Carl on October 5, 2011 - 10:06 pm
I think the variables of the causes of depression are so many, and that is why we are always hunting for our solutions. Disconnecting the brain from everything would be the most helpful.
#9 by Kay Camden on October 5, 2011 - 10:19 pm
You should try unplugging it then plugging it back in again.
#10 by Carl on October 5, 2011 - 11:01 pm
That is a wonderful thing to do, but sometimes there are sparks and things when I plug it back in!
#11 by Indigo Spider on October 4, 2011 - 3:10 pm
“I should never be joyful because the bombastic fear that the joy will end overshadows the joy itself” — this sums up my parents philosophy. It is a terrible way to live, to never fully feel the joy because of what comes next. Sometimes it is the small decisions that are the important ones, so even if your brain doesn’t warm, it can still make the small, important decisions.
#12 by Carl on October 5, 2011 - 10:10 pm
Your thoughts are powerful. Thank you for sharing! I appreciate your comment.