Freddy likes to resist what the world brings. You might think this is thinking in the present moment, but it’s not. He resists everything the world brings – Not necessarily all of the good things but he is never conscious of the good things. Just now, the ripples in the pavement are tearing through his body. He has a nice car, but he is not grateful for that. He could be driving a real wreck without shocks and feel every tiny shrivel and crack in the concrete, but his car is fairly smooth. So it’s not that he notices the immediacy or the currency of the bumps, but he thinks of the idiots who paved the road not more than five years ago and how inadequate their work was. He thinks about taxes and how these government contracts are always huge. Where are the results?
His brain hums with the vibrations as he regrets working. Poor Freddy. The bumper sticker on the maroon, dried-blood Toyota with dents all over says, “Eat, Sleep, Jim,” and he wonders if there was a purposeful misspelling of gym. How gross is that. He wonders if he had a girlfriend one day, would she ride around with a label that said, “Eat, Sleep, Freddy.” He loves that feeling that comes along with the imagination – Imagine being so important to a woman. Impossible. He thinks about an entire life consisting of eat, sleep, and gym, and thinks this is what he deserves. If he robbed a bank, he could get that life for a good 20 years. Minus robbing the bank, who is it who would bring his meals? Surely it would be his girlfriend who rates him right up there with sleeping, but it should be, “Eat, Sleep, Sex with Freddy,” now that is outrageously wrong and cool. Freddy tries to think realistically, tries to think of his present capabilities, and he could do this without a girlfriend – He could sleep under a bridge, beg for food, and go to the park and exercise on the playground equipment. Now that is real, but he would have to give up the comfortable car he is in, with absolutely lovely air conditioning. He would also lose the absolutely asinine grind of these bumps jiggling his brain and making him remember what a loser he is. He wants to do what Dr. Theresa says and just be. Just close his eyes and be, ignoring everything, but he’d wreck the fucking car.
He tried closing his eyes this morning when he woke up and went right to the couch. Like all of his other attempts, he was going to be a meditation star, but a hateful stare from yesterday at the grocery store in the international aisle from the lady with the bizarre flamingo hat flopping around as she picked up her taco sauce made him open his eyes within a second or two, and if you looked at him, you would think someone just stuck him with a cattle prod. So he tried to pray. He tries hard at prayer. Prayer should not be so hard, but Freddy makes it hard. Freddy got on his knees and rested his elbows on his soft leather couch, squeezed his eyes shut and prayed, “Please, God, please, God, please help me, God, please, God help me be a good person, god,” and he remembered that you are not supposed to pray for God’s help because then that would imply that you are not perfect. They tell Freddy that God does not make junk, but his personal history points to a far different conclusion.
#1 by siubhan on June 22, 2011 - 1:10 pm
something about Freddy just piques my interest… I’m glad you’re going on with his saga.
#2 by Carl on June 22, 2011 - 8:45 pm
You’re very kind to comment. I appreciate it.
#3 by Carl D'Agostino on June 22, 2011 - 2:29 pm
Freddy’s junk is that he is a profoundly ego centric person. Not in a selfish, or abusive or distasteful way. He is an adult with adult thoughts and is surrounded be adult things and realities, but he has not grown beyond the child in the crib that apprehends the would as revolving around him. Even his girl friend is a mere orb in orbit around him. In other words he is too full of himself and sees things in terms of I/me with no us/them/others. There are remedies that involve improved socialization but I think Freddy may be too engrossed in his world to escape it.
#4 by Carl on June 22, 2011 - 8:49 pm
Interesting for sure, Carl. I’m not sure I can diagnose the issue in the way that you can. Some people do fine with solipsism, and I have the feeling that it is the only thing that can bring truth. Helping others is surely a way to improve one’s spirit, but in the first two episodes, Freddy has been alone in his car. Bottom line might be that the solipsism does not necessarily indicate the negative connotation of egotism. Hopefully, within several more episodes, I’ll get Freddy out of his car.
#5 by Carl D'Agostino on June 22, 2011 - 9:39 pm
Sent me to the dictionary. Solipsism, that the self is the only reality holds some value as in when I die there is no universe as I can no longer apprehend it . I am no longer as well. Is the end of times an historical event or reenacted with the demise of each individual? Egotism as a word is often confused in our usage. There is the egotism of self centeredness which is merely how one relates in a distorted reality( with no negative, just an observation or clinical assessment), the much different egotism of arrogance which we consider a character flaw and is negative, and the ego of Freud’s model which is merely the unique personality of the subject. Is Freddy encapsulated by the car or what does the car symbolize?
#6 by Carl on June 22, 2011 - 10:20 pm
Thinking about Freddy’s character came along when I was thinking of this guy who has problems which are terribly aggravated by the morning commute, so we started him in the car on the morning commute. It’s a bit of stream of consciousness, so the first two parts might only be a couple minutes of the commute.
I suppose anyone who cannot be in the present is stuck in his own self-centeredness because it’s only in the present that you can ever really experience other people, so I think his primary issue is the lack of the “now.”
#7 by pattisj on June 22, 2011 - 10:14 pm
Freddy’s theology has been skewed. We need God, because we are imperfect on our own. (Romans Chapter 3-Holy Bible) Poor Freddy, no wonder he sees everything so dismally, he has nothing in which to hope.
#8 by Carl on June 22, 2011 - 11:44 pm
I think depending upon what parts of the Bible one goes to and which church one might attend, the emphasis is either placed on the fact that we’re sinful ugly things, terribly needy, beings that rely on guilt in order to survive, or alternatively, that we are perfect, made in His image and will stay perfect as long as we worship and donate to the church.
In other spiritual traditions, there is less emphasis placed on the idea that we must rely solely on God for our strength. There is natural reasoning that leads one to conclude that a god would not make a world so poorly and would not be so lacking in “self-esteem” as to rely on his own creation to worship him or perish. Regardless, it is all very interesting to me. I do think those who have solid spiritual sensitivities, regardless of their religion