I hid my feelings with alcohol.
I stopped drinking.
How do I hide my feelings now?
All of it hurts more.
Perplexing Internal Question
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Blog: Stillfugue Topics:Fiction, Poetry, Essays
stillfugue 
#1 by sixthsymph on May 28, 2011 - 12:29 am
I think it’s amazing that instead of hiding your feelings you are now sharing them with us all through your writing. Don’t even think about hidind them again! Please :)?
#2 by Carl on May 28, 2011 - 7:32 am
Thank you for your comment. Yes, this is a nice place for me. I don’t want to hide them.
#3 by carldagostino on May 28, 2011 - 5:43 am
We hid our feelings. Our feelings did, however, still emerge. And they were distorted based on fear and anger. Sober, we begin to feel our feelings. The feelings of a free sober self. This will probably be painful. BIG adjustment period. We learn the why. We evolve as we learn to steer them as opposed to them steering us from a distorted chemical induced dynamic. You have identified years of recovery processes in these few words. We gain confidence. And the need to feel hurt evaporates as well as the hurts themselves. Hiding does not liberate us. I no longer need to hide. Nor do I wish to. I will face life on life’s terms and will no longer be a participant in self enshacklement.
#4 by Carl on May 28, 2011 - 7:33 am
Thank you, Carl. You words are true. I don’t want to hide them anymore but they seem to keep getting hidden. You are on a different level of mastery.
#5 by carldagostino on May 28, 2011 - 12:14 pm
We strive for mastery. It is never an end, always a process. Now we may master the violin or the artist’s brush, but re the self we will always be “already, but not yet”Many days I am still trapped in those caves and vents to which you have alluded.
#6 by LetterzToNoOne on May 29, 2011 - 4:33 am
“All of it hurts more.”
Isn’t that the truth.
#7 by Carl on May 29, 2011 - 11:17 pm
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.
#8 by Val on May 29, 2011 - 1:13 pm
I was addicted to valium for 19 years, and that hid my feelings up to a point, but with anything one takes or uses, eventually they push through. That said, the bp-reducing medicine I’m on now has dulled me so much that I long to be able to feel at least some of them again. Sometimes even pain is more bearable than nothing.
#9 by carldagostino on May 29, 2011 - 1:17 pm
Ti hurts more because we can feel it where before we could escape from it. Not for long. Now we must deal with the hurt. That’s why they call it recovery. I also like the phrase “getting restored”
#10 by Carl on May 29, 2011 - 11:23 pm
Okay, Carl, we’re approaching Year 8 – When does this restoration thing start? I’ve seen others restored, but I think perhaps I’m one of those non-restorables.
#11 by Carl on May 29, 2011 - 11:21 pm
Yes, good reflection. Pain reminds one that one is lucky to be alive.
#12 by pattisj on May 29, 2011 - 8:40 pm
No need to hide those feelings, pour them out, you’re among friends who are here to support you.
#13 by Carl on May 29, 2011 - 11:32 pm
Thank you, Patti. Writing seems to bring them out from hiding. I appreciate your reading and commenting.
#14 by Kay Camden on May 31, 2011 - 11:05 am
I agree with the others. You have nothing to hide. The less we hide, the more we are the same.
#15 by Carl on May 31, 2011 - 11:41 pm
Yes, it is true. Do you ever hide things accidentally or unconsciously?
#16 by Kay Camden on June 1, 2011 - 12:07 am
Maybe not unconsciously. But subconsciously, yes. By telling little white lies to satisfy people so I don’t have to divulge the real answer. Sometimes I do this without thinking, and I always feel bad about it later. But I can’t stop doing it.
#17 by Carl on June 1, 2011 - 6:40 am
Yes, I understand this. Sometimes, mine are unconscious, so I don’t even know to feel bad later. In fact I’d say most of mine are the un kind.