stillfugue

I like to tell people that I’m bad with the phone. I suppose it’s true. Today, I got ten or twelve calls at the office. I became highly aware of my unconscious, hateful reaction toward being compelled to talk on the phone. I answered each of the calls, and after about 15 or 20 seconds, that driving, deep revolt dissipates back to almost no presence from the unconscious and I begin to feel almost comfortable, relaxed.

Each time a call comes in, I really want my voice mail to handle it. How can voice mail handle the things someone might call me about? It can’t, but at least then I get time to prepare on how I might respond to the caller, and sometimes, I get to respond by email, which seems to be a way I allow myself to be clearer in my communication (despite what your opinion might be about my essay at this point).

I have found that I really need to see a face in order to feel as though I am in a comfortable conversation. With the phone, perhaps it is my problem with shattered self-esteem, I seemingly always have an initial feeling of the party on the other end of the line (what an odd phrase that is these days!) feeling that I am truly the most despicable human still breathing. Isn’t that odd to have this natural feeling that people I cannot see are detesting me? Very odd. Of course, after a few short minutes, this creepy fear of others’ opinions melts away in most situations. I get this feeling when I call my own father. I know that is crazy, but this is what I have discovered in that deep unconscious. I like to think I am the only one with these horrid problems of the human psyche, but in the last few years, I have found that others suffer from similar defects and it helps to talk about them. However, on this one, I am sure I won’t hear from anyone.

Sometimes, I say it is my diseases that cause me to isolate. I suppose that is true, but more true, it is fears that have been compounded so many times by the diseases that are the cause of these horrible human defects. Fear is the root. So I am left wondering how I can continue to reduce all of my fears, rational and irrational. One problem is the Catch 22 of all of this. My diseases require me to strictly avoid isolation in order to stay in recovery, but on the same hand, they cause me to drive myself toward isolation.

The nice thing is that when I finish a call, even with all of those at the office today, I have this light pride and warm-hearted feeling of victory. I want to be of service to another human being on every single phone call, and I am more and more successful at that. So, once I pick up the phone AND dial, or once I answer, I can ease into this kind manner of being of service and I can be a good person.

I’m reminded of how Eckhart Tolle describes a person who spiritually is fighting against all of the pieces of life. He describes this by saying “usually it’s with government workers, and they answer the phone like…” He proceeds to imitate a disgruntled person answering the phone and it reminds me of someone saying hello to you after you have misdialed their phone number as a wrong number for the 19th time in a row.

Today, I noticed with a conscious level of pride that I do not answer like a disgruntled human being who is acting like a government worker even though at the root, I am far more damaged and deadly than a disgruntled government worker. I try to answer with a rising tone as if asking a question. This brings to mind all of the phone manners Mother tried to teach me, and perhaps that is what has me so fucked up on phones, but that is clearly another essay, and I am tired of phones.

Tomorrow, my goal is to pick up the heavy damned thing and dial Dad, my brother, and perhaps a good friend. How is that for a new day’s resolution? I’ll let you know if I am victorious; otherwise, don’t be expecting me to ring you.