stillfugue

This is another piece in the Who I Want to Be Effort

A friend always asks me what I am running from, or if I am not running from something, what am I running to.  I would much rather be running to something, but I am often running from pain.  When I am running to, I am determined about my path and when running from, I am somewhat lost.  There is something in me now that makes me want to run to trust and honesty without being entirely vulnerable to others because I am always running from pain.

In my profession, I am trained not to trust anyone, and I am pretty good at that.  There is a sharp dichotomy because in my personal life, I tend to trust that everyone is good and everyone is honest.  Everyone knows that this makes one vulnerable to sharp attacks and intense pain, but I keep forgetting.  I want to become a peaceful and calm person, especially on the surface, and I want to stop wearing my emotions on the surface.  Sometimes, I like to be sensitive, but it is a treacherous state.  It helps me to understand others and to sympathize with others, but it makes me remarkably open to attack.

I like to trust people when it appears that they like me and that they will not betray me.  I like to tell those people everything.  I’ve learned again that when you do so, a price you pay when you are unable to perceive the dishonesty of these people is that they turn on you.  They use your deepest vulnerabilities and those are the places they stab with hurtful words.  They try to turn other people against you with the most vicious disclosure of your vulnerabilities.  I learn about these people who wish to hurt but then I forget again in time to be hurt again.

I know who I need to trust by those who stick by me in spite of my vulnerabilities.  I know who to trust by those who are loving with me even when they find out about things that I do not like about them.  Even when they are used for vicious purpose against me, these people continue to be loving and accepting and they don’t allow themselves to take arms against me.   Those who are truly loving and good do not treat me like an enemy when they are hurt.  Recently, I have been thrown to Hell by these people who fool me, these people who want me to die slowly and painfully, and at first I wonder how someone who was a friend could feel that way about me, and then I wonder how I could ever be foolish enough to consider someone who hates me so much to be a friend.  People who are friends are loyal even through the most difficult circumstances – They would never hate with vicious intent to hurt.

I need to run to the people who have proven that they do not wish to attack.  With the other people, I need to bottle my emotions and live in acceptance of all that happens in the world.  I need to live in peace and calmness around others.  I need to discontinue believing that people are essentially good or that people are essentially honest.  I need to remember the painful lessons and live more carefully with those who are unproven.  I need to continue to understand that there are many motivations that people carry with them and I need to remember to not falsely attribute goodness to people who may only be good on a surface.

I need to run to people who want me to love them and who want to love me.  I need to run to people who are accepting and will not wish me to travel to Hell.  I need to run to people who do not have thick complexes covering the honesty of who they are.  They are hard to find, but that does not mean I should run to something else.  I should not forget what I am running to when I am running from pain.

Chuck C. says that he doesn’t care what you think of him, that he loves you.  I am not that mature, but I think I am getting there.  Even the people who hurt me with the most vengeful purpose are people whom I continue to love, often without condition.  If I never got hurt, I would be just like Chuck C., but that seems to be a difficult state to accomplish, and in the short term, I will continue to get hurt and will try to run from that pain in the same way I run from other pain.  I do realize that just like fairness, love is a one-way street:  I can only be the most loving human being I can be without regard to whether or not any love is coming back.

At a peak of frustration, feeling the most hurt, I told my wife this week that I will never have a friend.  Of course, that is not true because she is a friend and there are others who want to be good and who are honest.   And there might be others who want to be my friend.